Onwards & Upwards!

WARNING: YET ANOTHER WAY TOO LONG, DRAWN OUT POST FOLLOWS THIS WARNING!


I’ve started and restarted this post several times on the computer, and a lot more in my mind. It’s been almost 2 months since I’ve posted anything here, and a hell of a lot longer since I’ve produced anything design related. I’d love to avoid a long bare-all personal kind of post, and just start posting again and be done with it, but while I don’t have a large amount of blog readers (and that isn’t actually why I keep a blog anyway), the few I do have mean a lot to me and I feel I want to give just a couple of explanations and apologies. I don’t really know what to say, but it’s a little bit of a goal of mine that I work it out today – these sort of things that one has procrastinated about have a way of getting harder and harder the longer you leave them!

When Travis was 8 months old, I was diagnosed with post natal depression by the clinic sister at the early childhood clinic here. She suggested that I make an appointment with my gp, which I did…. And promptly cancelled when my dear hubby had a very male moment and made it clear in no uncertain terms that he wanted me “happy” because I was happy, not because I was on some sort of medication.

I know that sounds very harsh, and will have a lot of people cursing him, but really it was ok. I found other ways that were temporary fixes, and it wasn’t like he would have stopped me had I wanted to seek medical help, he was just making his views, and perhaps fears and insecurities, known. I read a lot on the subject of depression and post natal depression, and implemented a lot of self help strategies and attempted with no success to implement a million more.

I got by, and it really wasn’t too bad.

Then life threw one of those bum steers in the 6 months that followed August 2005 ( and yes, I’ve been here on my blog before so I’ll skim over it really quickly). Hubby was fired from his job, unemployed, but lucky enough to have the best part of 6 months in entitlements. He did go through one or two other jobs at the end of that time, but the end result was, despite my incredibly strong objections, we bought a franchise business (I still don’t want it and we’ve had it for 2 years in May…LOL).

Everything declined and declined, things were quite rocky, life wasn’t that great! A few months after the purchase of the business, hubby said he was wrong (not about buying the business – that one is still coming…LOL) , but wrong about the depression, and that something definitely wasn’t right. It was then I seeked help from my GP, probably about 5 years after the first diagnosis.

I received medication, and I did notice the difference, although I’m not sure I was ever completely right in hindsight. I obviously felt reasonably well, because I went on to fall pregnant with Brodie not long after this.

When I stopped taking the pill, so as to fall pregnant with Brodie, I got out of the habit of also taking my anti depressant. I suppose I also thought I was ok, which we all know pregnancy hormones at the beginning of a pregnancy, I probably was! LOL. Later on in the pregnancy when things started to slide a little, I tried to start taking them again (which for all those throwing there hands up in horror at taking that sort of medication whilst I was pregnant, it was ok to be doing so). But the initial sleeplessness and nausea of getting them back into my system, on top of the pregnancy in general, was just more than I was ready to cope with. So I stayed off them.

Having a child is a funny thing. Everytime I have had a child I have been unreal for the next few months – getting everything done, staying on top of things, a neat home, a caring Mum, and loving wife. But I guess everything that goes up must come down.

By the time last Christmas rolled around I knew I was way out of my league again. In fact, I even mentioned to several people that I was going back on the medication, but I put off going to the doctors once again. Over the last couple of months it has just gone further and further downhill.

A couple of weeks ago, I began talking to Andrew a bit more about it again, and found myself saying things like “I feel like I’m half a person” and “I so love being a Mum, but there has to more to it than this”. One morning I was helping Travis get ready for school – and Travis and I have this thing where we often talk about (not in the hearing of other children) how all my children are really special, but he is also really special as he is the one that made me a Mummy. While we were getting ready that morning he mentioned this again and I agreed. He turned to me and said some words I will never forget “But you don’t really like being a Mum, do you?”

Needless to say, I corrected him and told him how much I do love being a Mum, but I also did explain that it is just quite difficult at times, which I believe he understands. But I knew that it was time that I made that trip to the doctors.

So…here I am, accepting of the fact that clinical depression will possibly be something I struggle with for a long time. Why it was so hard for me to go back to the doctor’s I’m not sure – my doctor is a fantastic man, whom I really hold on a pedestal especially where the children are concerned, and after I had spoken to him the first time about the depression, I’d had this immediate sense of relief and improvement just by knowing that help was on it’s way and I now had a “line of communication” established about it with someone in the medical profession. All the same, I found it really difficult to go back to him, and plead for my happy pills back…LOL! He of course replied with “Ab-so-lute-ly” when I asked if I could go back on the Zoloft, and then spent the next 15 minutes rousing on me for not coming to him sooner.

I’ve been back on the tablets 4 days now, and though it will take a while longer for them to kick in completely and rebalance all the chemicals that are supposedly out of whack, I’m starting to notice a couple of little improvements already. And probably due to a placebo affect more than anything – I’m filled with a new enthusiasm and a lot of positivism, and an excitement that while I know having three kids is a considerable amount of the reason that I don’t achieve a lot (not that achieving a relationship with them is not worthwhile or the most important thing anyway), I may just improve enough over the next couple of weeks to become more of the achiever I want to be.

Why did I feel the need to bare all and post all this? Not for pity…not for excuses…I really do feel quite ok and excited about the fact that I am back on the medication and can become a “whole” person again. And I really am cool bananas with the whole depression thing – people undoubtedly struggle with various things over the course of their life, and if my weakness is clinical depression, well I won’t accept it lying down, but I will accept it. But one of the hardest things about depression is that you’re left at the end of it (if it in fact has an end), having to face the fact that you have let a lot of people down, have broken a lot of intentions, have shied away from anything at all social or communicable with other people because it was uncomfortable and you really just didn’t have the energy, have seemed not interested for so long, have seemed not commited for so long, have been unreliable and have not always played your part.

Don’t misunderstand me, I sure can’t pin everything about my life on “clinical depression.” The bottom line is I have always been a procrastinator and am not the most organised of people. But I do believe several things about the depression.

Firstly, it has slowly but surely turned my house into one BIG dump! LOL. Not that I haven’t been trying and having great intentions, I have seriously had no time to scratch my bum and have been working at it from the moment I rise to the moment I go to bed. But it has all been in one big non prioritised, foggy, non focussed, and non productive kind of way. At the end of every day I haven’t stopped – yet – I’ve achieved not a thing!(Well for the most part anyway). Focus and productiveness have been absolute Z-E-R-O, and although I’m “normally” bad, I’m kind of hoping I’m not that bad. Now there are a whole heap of self help measures here, and believe me I had them all going through my mind…I had a plan for the best “stay on top of housework” idea you have ever seen, but the thing I personally find very ironic and difficult about depression, is you almost need a certain amount of “wellness” before you can implement these things. I had ideas galore, but hopefully without sounding like a cop out, had not been “well” enough to make a start.

Secondly, it has resulted in a very fluctuating relationship with hubby, he has probably been doing more than his fair share a lot of the time. I know I’m snappy at him when I’m “down”, I know I take almost everything he says as criticism, I know I run hot and cold with my moods, and I know I should have been biting my lip more than I have.

Thirdly, my care for myself and my health have again been ZERO. Which then becomes cyclic…the less you care for yourself and health and fitness, the further I believe you fall.

Fourthly, as a designer I have S-T-U-N-K. I have been incredibly fortunate enough to have wonderful store owners and an even more fab and understanding creative team. But I have lost count, as I’m sure they have, of the amount of times I had something new coming out next week when in all reality I haven’t done much at all since Brodie was born. Oh, the things I said should be done by the weekend are all sitting here on my hard drive, half completed. If I do manage to pick myself up completely in the next couple of weeks, and finish off all these little bits and put these ideas down, there should be a massive influx at Carole Neale designs. And when I said I thought they would be done by the end of next week, I really did think they would be, and they should have been able to have been. But again, the fogginess…the non-productiveness….the non-focus. I am still a designer, I am still a scrapper…. the interest is still very much there, I have had ideas for both designs and layouts a plenty…but being focussed enough to get them down and out there….well….it hasn’t been happening to say the least. I’m not going to make a heap of promises right now today, except to say I am quietly optimistic and hopeful….

And lastly, and most importantly, my gorgeous kids have lost the Mum they once had. By all means, I have still been here, still fed them, clothed them, fixed their hurts, read to them, helped with homework, cuddled them, protected them and even played with them … but that real genuine non rushed, interested consuming quality time has undoubtedly been lacking with my unsuccessful efforts in staying on top of everything else. Waking up to them during the night, or even in the morning, has been a massive challenge…and when I have woken I have been stiff and sore and tired and grumpy and anything but refreshed. I’ve had headaches more days than I haven’t, and haven’t always (not that anyone is expected to be ALWAYS) been as patient and loving and tolerant and calm as I once was with them. I haven’t been interested in leaving the house particularly (truth be known I’m a homebody anyway, but I’ve been a lot worse than usual) so the kids have missed out on a lot of days out and experiences. I guess it’s a good thing kids are forgiving and love as unconditionally as we do.

More than enough about this…I really didn’t want to blab about this so long, but I did feel the need to say something. It really isn’t meant to sound negative or a plea for pity… while I have been told not to expect major improvements for a week or two yet, I do have a mindset at the moment which is reason in itself is quite liberating. Today is the first day of the rest of my life as they say, and Onwards and Upwards I say!

Now….4 pages on…back to the regular scheduled programme of this blog.

I’d left everyone cold with answers as to how Travis was doing, but I’m pleased to say he is doing considerably better. While I say that, it is something I believe we will have to keep an eye on with him – he definitely is prone to these sort of moods, and to gloominess and sulkiness, and if you are wondering if I wonder if it is some sort of genetically passed down proneness direct from his Mother…than yes, I do at times. Once he was really back into the swing of things with school, and being more challenged, his mood and outbursts definitely improved. There is still a lot of trouble in getting him to spend time on activities that aren’t computer related, without us being a direct part of them.
We implemented a happy book, both him and I, where we jotted things or drew little pictures of things that were positive during the day, or that made us smile. Cooper joined in as well, with Travis’ permission. We did our “happy books” daily for a little while, and it slowly lessened to now when it’s been quite a while since we have drawn anything in them.
Andrew and I have talked a lot the last week or two about an afternoon activity or two for Travis. I still find it hard to come up with something (especially in our regional location) that is just the right “fit” for Travis. Some sort of musical instrument would probably work very well, but right at the moment we wouldn’t have the funds to provide one at home as well. He himself is showing quite a bit of interest in Karate – which I am considering. I can’t say I’m a huge fan of the idea, and even though I have tried to explain it, I’m not sure he understands that it IS NOT fighting. But still, if he is showing the interest that has to say something.
Has anyone had any experience with scouts? I have always been quite anti scouts – probably for no good reason at all, but it popped into my head the other day, and I’m thinking it may be one of the best fits I can come up with right now. (I of course wouldn’t be “making” him do it, if he didn’t want to). The younger groups, as far as my knowledge goes, don’t require large physical skills, but will improve on them and give confidence with them. The activities change constantly, which would suit Travis a lot better than playing the same game of soccer week in, week out. And I love the fact that the competitiveness of scouts is more competitive against yourself, rather than against each other. When we first started talking to Trav about an afternoon activity for him, he wanted to be “making things”, “something crafty”… and there isn’t a lot I can find that fits that bill, but scouts, especially the younger groups, have that element included. I also feel scouts may just give him an added sense of belonging, more so than other afternoon activities, that could be beneficial. The community mindedness, the morals, the comraderie, the discipline…. So much of scouts I feel could either be a good fit or largely beneficial for Travis’ character.
I am at the moment delving into two books – in a non-focussed, best of intentions kind of way (see long whine above). They are Bringing up your Talented Child by Geoff Lewis and More Secrets of Happy Children by Steve Biddulph. I can’t say I have really read enough to warrant a comment as yet, but I will endeavour to get back to commenting on these books.
Travis is really doing quite well considering he has a lot to deal with at the moment for a 6 year old. He is facing a 2nd lot of surgery to correct his eye squint on the 2nd Wednesday of the school holidays, and this time they will be operating on both eyes, not just one. I won’t go into too much details right now, as it’s getting kind of late, but maybe, just maybe I might post more about this in a day or so.
Also, we have just had a hearing test completed for Travis recently, which was one of those very bad Mum moments where I was expecting an answer that would allow me to say “There’s nothing wrong, the doctor said, so make an effort to listen a little better.” The answer I in fact received was that his hearing is slightly below average in his left ear and considerably below average in his right ear. Now this isn’t anywhere near as bad as it could be…they aren’t a permanent “deaf-ness” kind of hearing loss, but more a temporary trouble-coping-with-fluid-behind-the-drum and poorly-functioning-eustacean(sp?)-tube kind of hearing loss that absolute worse case scenario is further surgery for grommets. I’m yet to go follow up with the GP on his hearing report as it was only just recently carried out, so I’m sure you’ll hear a lot more on this as it progresses. Whilst he does ok, and gets by, he is probably using a lot of visual clues in class and such and even at home, and it is undoubtedly one more cause of frustration for someone so young.

Brodie is doing well, or at least if you’d asked me last week I would have said that. This week she broke our 6 year long run of having children and never having had to use the emergency department of the hospital. I took her in (which was a very scary drive by myself! LOL) at 5 on Tuesday morning, suffering from Croup, after a night of listening to her wheeze and struggle to get each breath in. That sounds horrible that I waited that long, but I knew she was getting enough oxygen (and that was confirmed when we got to hospital) and it was sooooo cold outside that night I was worried that taking her out to get help straight away was more of an evil than waiting until daylight and a little bit of warmth. Anyway, come 5am, I had listened to her struggle as long as I personally could, either way, and it wasn’t improving. She spent only 3 hours at hospital (which is marvellous for our local emergency!), hates nebuliser’s with a vengeance, had a dose of steroids with 2 more doses to come, and came home before the boys went to school already breathing a lot easier. There was a lot of sleep deprivation on both hers and my account over the next few days. She is still quite sick at the moment, just with a residual cold, but most of the croupiness has gone. Cooper, on the other hand, now sounds croup-y, but at this stage is coping quite ok with it, and not having the same breathing trouble Brodie was, so we’re just watching it closely over the next day or so.

I could and should probably update on so many other things, but it will all have to wait till another day. If anyone has read this far, thank you so much for bearing with yet another long painful drawn out post. I’m sure I’ll get better at this blogging thing one day, and learn to be a little more selective about it’s inclusions! LOL